


don't ask me to rule with my heart, or yours will break

by Weasleywasborninabin



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 02:36:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3552857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weasleywasborninabin/pseuds/Weasleywasborninabin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during S05E08 so spoilers up until then I guess.</p><p>Ian listens to the messages Mickey left him when he was on his "road trip".</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't ask me to rule with my heart, or yours will break

Ian just wanted to see Mickey. He couldn’t remember a time in his life when he had missed someone this much, and they'd only been apart for a few days. He had been disappointed when Mickey didn’t come meet him from the hospital but figured he probably had planning to do with his brothers, since the household was so short of money after they had to pack the removal scam in.  
  
When Ian finally got home, and back to his own room and his own bed, he was exhausted, but he couldn’t sleep. Worry was starting to set in about Mickey, why hadn’t he come to see him? He decided to check his phone for the first time since he went AWOL, maybe Mickey had left him a message saying he couldn’t make it to the hospital? But there were no new messages from Mickey. There were, unsurprisingly, several missed calls from the day of his ‘trip’ though and quite a few voice mail messages; one from Lip, a couple from Fiona, and _twenty seven_ from Mickey.  
  
Most of them were just Mickey telling him to “ _pick the fuck up_ ” but a few of them were more detailed. It upset Ian; listening to all the messages Mickey had left for him, knowing how much distress he’d caused his boyfriend when the guy had just been trying to look after him. But that was nothing compared to the pain and guilt he felt when he got to the last message.   
  
“ _Alright shithead, this is like the 200th time I’m calling and you not picking up! I’m starting to get fuckin’ homicidal. Call me the fuck back, Ian._ ” There was silence for a few seconds and Ian could hear heavy breaths down the phone; it sounded like Mickey was trying not to cry, “ _I’m worried about you… I **love** you._ ” He could hear Mickey’s voice crack as he said this and Ian’s heart hurt at how much pain he'd obviously caused the other boy, “ _Call me back._ ”  
  
_I love you_ ; the words kept repeating themselves over and over in his head. Mickey had never said that to him before. Sure, Ian had kind of just assumed that Mickey cared for him more than he liked to let on, but Mickey had never actually told him he _loved_ him before. Both of them had managed to avoid saying it up until now; it was always a playful ‘I love your ass’ or ‘I love the way you smell’ or bullshit like that to hide how much they really cared for each other.  
  
But after everything Ian had done did Mickey still love him? Could he? It was hard to believe. He hadn’t heard from him since he’d been in the psych ward except for one short visit Fiona had to remind him of because he’d been so out of it he’d thought it was a dream. Could Mickey accept the situation and love him anyway? Ian didn’t believe the diagnosis but Mickey had been talking about sending him to the hospital before the incident with Yevgeny had even happened… What would he think of Ian now?  
  
Eventually Ian decided to just phone Mickey. The words ' _I love you_ ’ still running through his mind, pain in his chest, tears in his eyes, he stared at Mickey’s name on his phone screen for a good ten minutes before he worked up the nerve to press the call button. This could be it, he told himself, are you prepared for this to be over? _No._ The truth was he didn’t know if he could take Mickey leaving him. He had already lost him once, he didn’t know if he could go through that again.

The phone rang and rang and rang and eventually Ian hung up, unable to take waiting any longer. He felt like screaming. This was all his fault. He’d lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. And why? Because he was too damn stubborn to just go to the hospital when Mickey had asked him to. Well, look what good that had done! Mickey had just been trying to look after him - Ian could see that now. He didn’t agree with Mickey and everyone else’s diagnosis (he _definitely_ wasn’t crazy) but he could see that maybe he had been acting slightly irrationally lately. He should have just listened to Mickey to start with, then none of this would have happened. Then they’d still be together. He buried his face in his pillow, willing the feeling of utter hopelessness to go away, but it wouldn’t. Ian felt like dying. He couldn’t live like this.  
  
-  
  
After an hour or so of trying to fall asleep and failing, despite being desperately tired, Ian decided to head down to the kitchen to grab a drink. When he saw all his pills on the side he was furious. He strode over to the counter and tipped them all out. As he stared at them in his hand, for half a minute he was temped to take them all. It could all be over, he wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore. He debated it for a while but in the end he knew he couldn’t do it; he couldn’t become Monica. He couldn’t keep taking these meds though, not with the way they made him feel. He flushed the pills down the toilet before shoving some clothes on and heading outside for a cigarette, hoping the fresh air might make him feel less like he was dying on the inside.  
  
-  
  
It was there that Debbie found him. She was clearly upset, close to tears, but he wasn’t sorry for what he did. Of course he felt bad about upsetting her but he couldn’t live a life where he was constantly medicated, and just knowing the pills were in the house made him feel ill. Being on the pills made him feel like he wasn’t living at all, and that mixed with the pain of possibly losing Mickey made him feel… Well, he was worried he would end up doing something stupid. It was better they were gone.  
  
-  
  
When Fiona found him outside and accused him of being like Monica that made Ian feel even worse. When she tried to manipulate him like they used to do to Monica he wanted to scream at her. How dare she treat him like Monica? Didn’t she understand that he did it so he didn’t end up just like his mother? He wasn’t Monica! He was Ian; the same Ian he’d always been. Sure, he’d been going through a rough patch lately and he’d fucked up a few times, but Monica hurt him and everyone he loved! He would never do that. But Fiona wouldn't listen.  
  
-  
  
Ian didn’t know why he was lying in the pool fully clothed, but he was, and he felt better than he had in days. The cool water lapped at his face as the sun shone down on him and for a minute he felt like maybe his whole world wasn’t falling apart around him. That was until Carl decided to try to give him shock therapy.  
  
-  
  
“I think this might be the end with Mickey.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew that everyone else had been thinking the same thing — he could see it on their faces — and that made it so much more real. “The diagnosis, you know. Even if I don’t believe it I’m pretty sure he does.” He knew his family would always be there for him, no matter how much they accused him of being like Monica, he knew they would always look after him, but he felt like that wasn’t enough. He knew it was ungrateful, selfish, but right now all he wanted was Mickey.  
  
-  
  
Ian was trying to sleep, he had been for almost an hour now. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mickey. ‘ _I love you_ ’ the words wouldn’t stop running through his mind, ‘ _I think this might be the end_ ’ the look on Fiona’s face; she knew he was right. He felt like crying but no tears would come.  
  
-  
  
When he heard the door open Ian kept still and pretended he was asleep. He couldn’t deal with Fiona or Lip telling him it’d all be okay, or trying to convince him to go back on his meds right now. He just wanted Mickey and he knew that was the one person he couldn’t be with. So it was a shock when he heard Mickey’s voice.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
Ian’s heart started thumping in his chest, so many thoughts were running through his head; had Mickey come to break up with him? To make it all official? To tell Ian to stay away from him and to stop calling cause he couldn’t have a psycho like him for a boyfriend?  
  
So when then only thing Mickey said was, “I’m sorry I’m late,” Ian was shocked to say the least.  
  
He relaxed slightly, lying back down in the bed, hoping against hope that Mickey would lay down with him and to Ian’s surprise he actually did. Ian stared at the older boy’s face, he didn’t want to take his eyes off of him, worried that if he did he might disappear. Worried that maybe he did manage to fall asleep in the end and this was really all just a cruel dream. But then Mickey touched his hair, stroked his cheek, kissed his head, and Ian knew it was real, and he finally felt able to relax. He held onto Mickey’s hand and let him caress his face, falling into a light sleep.  
  
-  
  
It was dark in the room when Ian awoke in Mickey’s arms. He squinted over at Mickey and despite the darkness could see that his eyes were open.  
  
“Hey,” Ian whispered, turning in Mickey’s arms until he was facing the other boy.  
  
“Hey man,” Mickey replied softly, “How you feelin’? D’you need anythin’?”  
  
Ian shook his head, reaching up to touch Mickey’s face, still feeling the need to check he was real. Mickey smiled sadly and mirrored Ian, stroking his cheek lightly as Ian closed his eyes and savored the feel of Mickey’s touch.  
  
“I got your message.” Ian murmured after a few minutes of silence, and Mickey’s hand froze on his face. Ian opened his eyes slowly, holding Mickey’s hand in place on his cheek. “Do you really love me, Mick?” He asked, his voice shaking, not daring to hope that it was true. His heart was hammering in his chest and he could already feel tears pricking his eyes.  
  
The older boy was very still, he looked at the redhead with sad eyes, and for a moment Ian thought he was about to reject him, but then Mickey resumed his stroking of Ian’s cheek. "How could you fuckin’ ask that, Ian?” he said fiercely, “Of course I fuckin’ do.” He kissed the younger boy gently, running a hand through his hair and smiling into the kiss when Ian reached up to do the same. After a few seconds he pulled away and, looking Ian straight in the eye, told him, “I love you, Ian Gallagher… I know I’m not great at telling you how I feel and shit, but I fuckin’ love you and I’ll do everything I can to take care of you, no matter how bad things get.”  
  
And just like that it felt like a weight had been lifted from Ian’s chest. He had spent all day denying that Mickey could still care for him after all he had done and to have Mickey tell him in such a straight forward and honest - such a _Mickey_ type way, he couldn’t help but believe him.  
  
“Oh,” He smiled slightly, rubbing at his eyes to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. “Well,” He said, taking a deep breath, “I love you, Mick.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Mickey smiled and shifted closer to Ian, wrapping his arm back around the younger boy’s waist as Ian rested his head against Mickey's chest.  
  
Everything was not going to be okay, Ian knew that. He still felt desperately unhappy, utterly hopeless, but knowing he’d have Mickey by his side made him feel like maybe he could get through it all. As he drifted back to sleep and felt Mickey’s arms tighten around his waist he realized something; pills or no pills, his life _was_ worth living and he knew that it would be for as long as Mickey Milkovich chose to stay in it.

**Author's Note:**

> First time I've ever written a Shameless fic so please be kind! :) x


End file.
